On Doris Day:
'I knew her before she was a virgin.'Oscar Levant
His main stumbling block is the one in his head.
On contemporary success:
'I'm a modern star, just add water and stir.' David Bowie
He's got a marvellous substitute for his lack of brains. It's called silence.
An English visitor and his American host got onto the touchy subject of their respective governments. The Englishman got very stuffy and pompous when the American hinted at many of the anachronisms in British government.
'How unpleasant it must be for you Americans to be governed by people whom one would never think of asking to dinner.'
'No more unpleasant than being governed by people who wouldn't ask you to dinner,' retorted the American.
If she thought she was pregnant she'd swallow a roll of film to prevent anything from developing.
On The Old Curiosity Shop:
'One must have a heart of stone to read of the death of Little Nell without laughing.' Oscar Wilde
He's the sort of man who'd break a mirror just to make sure that he lived for at least another seven years.
After one of his cast had persistently mispronounced a line in French, Noel Coward asked the man if he could in fact speak French.
'Un petit peu,' replied the actor.
'I never think that's really quite enough,' said Coward.
On the Duke of Cambridge:
'Standing at the head of his troops, his drawn salary in his hand. ' Henry Labouchere
He's certainly a man of rare intelligence so rare it seldom sees the light of day.
On the music of Richard Wagner:
'I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.' Oscar Wilde
He'd have difficulty counting to twenty if he hadn't learnt how to take off his shoes.
Asked for his opinion of a play, Groucho Marx replied:
'I didn't like the play, but then I didn't see it under the best circumstances. The curtain was up. '
When the patient was asked if he had had a good night he answered that he'd slept as soundly as a nurse on night duty.
On a Broadway flop:
There's less in this than meets the eye.' Tallulah Bankhead