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Miscellaneous chat up lines and their put downs

Bit Mean...
Blatant Innuendo...
Can I...
I'm a...
Short & Sweet...
Trying it on...
Trying to be Romantic

Are you from Jamaica? Because Jamaican me crazy about you.
No, I'm from St Lucia.

Before I buy you a drink, can you tell me if you like me?
Get the drink first.
We'll deal with the bad news later.

Do I get the impression that you're playing hard to get?
No, I'm playing impossible to get.

Do you have a favourite singer?
Yes, the one with two bobbins and a foot pedal.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
Can I, then?

Er, hello. My name's, ER . . . I can't remember.
That's a lovely name.

Fancy a takeaway?
I wish someone would take you away.

Have you got any Irish in you?
Would you like some?
Yes please. Mine's a Guinness.

Have you had a wonderful evening?
Sure, but it wasn't this one.

Hello, I'm your cake. Would you like to have it or eat it?
I'm not hungry. I think I'll just give it to the dog.

Hello. Didn't we sleep together once? Or was it twice?
It must have been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Hi there. I'd like to ask you what's your idea of a perfect evening?
The one I was having before you came over.

I could really turn you on.
It's no big deal. I can do it myself just by not thinking about you.

I don't normally do this sort of thing, but here's my card - I'd like to meet you some time.
You just did.

I don't suppose you would be interested in going out one night to see a film?
I'm already booked that night.

I don't think I've seen you for about ten years.
Well make the most of it, because with a bit of luck I won't see you for another ten.

I drive a Formula One racing car.
So why were you late?

I miss my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Here, borrow mine.

I think it's time we introduced ourselves.
I already know myself.

I want people to like me for what I am.
Is that why you drive a Porsche?

I want people to love me for myself, not my money.
Isn't that narrowing your options somewhat?

I work in the music business.
I know, I've been to your shop.

I'd like to cook for you - I'm a great cook.
No thanks, I'm not much of an eater.

I'd like to share with you my passion for squash.
I'm not thirsty.

I'd like to take you out to eat.
Why won't you eat me indoors?

I've circumnavigated the world single-handed.
What were you doing with your other hand, then?

I've had part of my body pierced. Would you like to know which bit?
Your brain.

I've heard you're a good cook, but there is no recipe for my love for you.
What about Mini Sausages with Leeks?

I've just been to the doctor. I thought I had acute angina, but he said I was imagining it.
No, no, he's wrong - it's gorgeous.

Let's eat out. How about Japanese?
I'm a bit short-sighted, so don't have the raw fish, or I won't know which end of you is which.

Look, to decide whether or not we should date, let's toss for it.
No, let's just flip a coin. Heads - you don't get to go out with me, tails - I don't get to go out with you. Fair?

No, don't tell me: you're a Pisces?
OK, I won't tell you.

Oi, darling, do you want to really enjoy yourself with me?
Sorry, I couldn't possibly entertain the thought of spending time with someone who splits infinitives.
No, I'll pay for you as well.

On a scale of one to ten, you have been voted ten by everyone over there.
How do you feel?
I use my fingertips.

Shall we share a taxi to the nightclub?
I wouldn't even share the earth with you if I had a choice.

Take that jacket off and let me look at your spine.
Come any closer and I'll throw the book at you.

The more I drink, the prettier you get.
There isn't enough alcohol on the planet to make me find you attractive.

The name's Thomas, John Thomas.
That's OK, I'm Holly, so I'm used to little pricks.

The trouble with this place is some of the people that come here.
Do something about it - leave.

Umpteen people must have already told you this, but you're very beautiful.
You're so ugly, Frankenstein's Monster would go to a Halloween party as you.

What do you think of the music here?
Better than the company.

What would it take to get a little kiss from you?

What would you do if you ever got chatted-up by a woman?
Warn her that I used to be one.

What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

What's your favourite record?
Sebastion Coe's 1500 metres.

Where do you come from?
Way above your league.

Where is the toilet?
Oh, I didn't realise you were house trained.

Where shall we go for our honeymoon?
What about Finland? And I'll go to New Zealand.

Why don't we have a holiday romance?
Most men like you remind me of holidays . . . they never seem to be long enough.

Will you come out with me?
Out of the closet, certainly, because meeting you has helped me confirm my sexuality.

Will you help me choose some garden furniture at the weekend?
I've already chosen some.

Will you hold my beer while I go to the toilet?
Not while it's coming out, thank you.

Will you join me in a glass of wine?
I don't think there'd be room for both of us.

With me you need never fake an orgasm again.
With you I'd rather just fake the whole thing.

Would you like me to get into your knickers?
There's already one arsehole in there,and that's plenty.

Would you like me to lick champagne out of your navel?
There isn't any in it.

Would you like my seat?
I didn't realise transplant surgery was so advanced.

Would you like to come and meet my family?
OK, when are the opening hours?

Would you like to come out with me for some coq au vin?
What sort of van do you drive?

Would you like to come to a concert with me?
I've got the CD.

Would you like to see something swell?
Yes, the bruise I'm about to inflict on your face.

Would you like to watch a sunset with me?
I've already seen one.

Would you like to wear real animal fur?
I would if it provided an extra layer between me and you.

You have a peach-like complexion - pale and wrinkly.
You don't look like a peach, but your breath smells as if you've been eating them. A week ago.

You look like my fourth wife. How many have you had?

You must be a Mars bar, because I'm a chocoholic and I want you badly.
You're certainly doing badly.

You must have left Cinderella at home.
I'm raising money for charity by charging for kisses.
Never mind the kisses, just take the money.

You must tell me your name.
It begins with 'Mrs'. Shall I bother to continue?

You remind me of the last person I went out with.
That must be going back a bit.

You would be great to go on a camping holiday with. Separate tents, of course.
I'd prefer separate campsites.

You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I wondered what the smell was.

You're the best looking bloke I've ever seen.
Thanks, I wish I could say the same for you.
You could if you were as big a liar as me.

You're the kind of girl I'd like to take home to mother except I can't trust my father.
Don't worry - he's not the sort to drink from the same cup twice.

You're utterly beautiful, but there must be something about you that's less than perfect: I expect you're a hopeless cook.
True, so I suppose Nature's compensated you with perfect cooking abilities, then?

Reproduced by kind permission of Summersdale Publishing Ltd.

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