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How to be Insulting Abroad

Fill the boot of your car or your suitcase with kippers, or tinned English fish and try to flog it on any continental street.

Insist on paying for everything in sterling.

Drive on the wrong side of the road in the ferry terminals.

Ask for local delicacies and leave them on your plate.

Drink Guinness or Scotch everywhere.

Wear your military decorations at all customs checks.

Carry toy pistols in every pocket in America.

Whistle the tune of an English entry/winner of the Eurovision Song Contest.

Buy copies of leading foreign newspapers and use them to clean up the children, wrap up scraps, or keep your head dry in the rain.

Order a cup of tea at 9.00 p.m. in a pavement cafe on a Saturday night and sit over it for as long as you dare.

Park your car in areas reserved for official cars, police vehicles or buses.

Insist on tuning your car radio into the BBC, no matter how bad the reception and how loud the volume. (You can do this in your tent, your hotel room, or anywhere else if you take a transistor with you.)

In Moslem countries carry large whisky or gin bottles, full of water, in your luggage and try to fake the seals on the caps.

In Moslem countries also, walk into mosques wearing your shoes and try to start taking photographs of your wife posing in front of something during prayers.

In Israel have the initials P.L.O. stamped over all your luggage. (They can stand for Public Labour Officer; Public Lavatory Official; Parliamentary Librarian's Office; or anything you can think of, except you know what.)

If camping, have your tent made out of material designed like the Union Jack. Try to pitch it next to some Germans, if you can stand them for a fortnight.

Wave back at policemen who whistle at you and wave their truncheons. (Have your number plates covered in mud first!)

Carry huge photographs of Tony Blair on the continent and stick them on your cases or in the car windows.

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