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How to be Insulting in Banks

If there isn't a queue, form one by asking the cashier as many questions as you can think of until the people behind you get fed up and either go out or move to another window. (Questions about holiday money just before Christmas are always a success.)

If there is a queue, make it longer by writing your cheque incorrectly. Get the date wrong. Write another name by mistake and appear to see the fraud, enter a huge sum, say £10,000, and then change it to £10.00. Drop your pen, or lose it in your handbag while this is going on.

Arrive at the bank without your cheque book. Ask to draw out some cash. Forget your account number. Give a wrong name. Have difficulty in finding any proof of your identity. And do all this either when there's a lunch-time rush of customers, or just as the bank is about to close.

Take several leaflets from their display stands. Put them into a waste-paper bin and set fire to them. And try to put out the fire, caused by your cigarette, of course.

Try to use one of the automatic cash-dispensers, but use it incorrectly. If it's inside the bank do this until someone is sent to help you out or until you're asked to leave. If it's outside the bank, kick the machine and try to open it with your car keys, a pen-knife or your umbrella.

Use night-safe pouches to send poison-pen letters to the manager and indicate that they come from someone else in your organization.

Put your old sandwiches into the night-safe pouch and complain by letter when it's returned to you empty.

If you are hauled in to see the manager arrive with your solicitor or a large dog.

Take a tape-recorder with you to the meeting with the manager. Say nothing the entire time, but simply record all he says to you. Then when he's finished play it back to him at twice the speed and leave. (You'd better make arrangements to move your account before you do this.)

When ordering travellers cheques try to get the smallest denomination available and then take ages signing each cheque in front of the cashier.

Eat a raw onion, or garlic if you can stand it, and try to breathe as close to the cashier as you can while you write out your cheque. It's a good way of seeing how effective those glass screens are.

When making a deposit use as many forms as you dare, by making mistakes or spilling ink.

If you can manage to spill ink, try to do it on the floor as well as the desk and tear sheets of blotting paper from the pads provided.

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