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How to be Insulting on the Beach

If there's enough sand, dig huge walls around your site and try to put your neighbours in the shade.

Play cricket and take up as much space as you can. Play your transistor very loud, but play Radio 3.

Try to find sea-weed and drag this along the beach, leaving bits beside other people's places.

Take elaborate picnics with iced wine and proper cutlery, especially if you've noticed that everyone else is eating corned beef out of the tin.

Buy several large newspapers and leave these lying around so that they blow all over the beach.

Make sure that everyone of your party goes into the sea about a quarter of an hour after lunch and stays there up to waist height for about ten minutes. Watch and see how many people swim in that spot afterwards.

Refuse to let your children eat the ice-cream being sold on the beach particularly if everyone else is eating it.

If donkey rides are available, and if you can afford it, monopolise the donkeys all afternoon.

Hire the loudest and smelliest speed-boat you can find and water-ski up and down the beach so that few other people can swim.

Sit stolidly by the water with a fishing rod and throw revolting lumps of old bread into the water where the children are enjoying themselves.


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