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How to be Insulting at Christmas

Arrange for all your Christmas presents to be delivered to people in the first week in January.

Send no Christmas cards at all.

Refuse togive any guests a drink on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.

Set fire to the Christmas pudding with Meths instead of Brandy.

Buy crackers without any little gifts inside. If you have the time beforehand put unpleasant little remarks and observations inside them instead. You might try to glue the paper hats together so that they tear when the guests try to open them.

Send the television away to be serviced on Christmas Eve.

If you do have the television on try to watch all the programmes that you know no one else wants to watch.

If you're still eating when Her Majesty speaks, make everyone stand up for the National Anthem. It's even better if they're all dozing off, of course. Wake them up.

Fill the children's stockings with 'useful presents' Revision cards, that sort of thing.

Try to find what you were given last year and give it back to the person who gave |t to you.

Try to duplicate presents wherever possible then lose the receipts so that none of them can be exchanged. If they happen to be things you want yourself, so much the better. Just offer to take them back.

Turn up the television when the carol singers arrive and turn off the lights until they go away.

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