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How to be Insulting in Church

Arrive late for any service and arrive noisily. Forget at least one, if not both books and try to make others stand up while you go back for the ones you need.

Always try to be half a line ahead of the vicar and always be as loud as you dare in the responses.

Pretend to fall asleep in the sermon, if you don't do so naturally.

Put foreign coins in the collection. (If it's a collection plate, put down a note and take change.)

Sing out of tune in all the hymns and try singing half a line behind everyone else.

If you just want to look inside the church go in when you see the sign 'Service in progress'. Take photographs with a bright flash-gun.

Sign the visitors book but enter some remark instead of your address. (Names like the Pope, Saddam Hussain or John Knox can cause offence if chosen shrewdly.)

Pour water into the font and wash your hands in it. If you're really daring, take off your shoes and socks and cool your feet.

Offer a selection of imported foodstuffs for display in the harvest festival.

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