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How to be Insulting to Neighbours

On moving in erect a fence at least six feet high with a garish finish on their side.

Light smoky, smelly bonfires whenever the wind is blowing in their direction.

Hold wild, exciting parties in the garden but don't invite them.

Double glaze your own house and install some loud, offensive livestock in the garden—peacocks are particularly good for annoying people and they can fly as well.

Having erected the fence use it for target practice with a cricket ball or a football.

Try and persuade your friends to park across their pathway or driveway and get them to rev their engines and make a din when they leave at two in the morning.

If you share a drive, erect a fence down your half, or relay your part with crazy paving, or some other ostentatious surface.

Try to grow a few obnoxious weeds on your side of the fence and then gradually train these to grow through or under it into the neighbour's garden.

Try to time any noisy work you have to do, like cutting the lawn or using an electric drill so that it causes maximum inconvenience to those next door. Find when they are going on holiday and arrange for a delivery of coal, or heating oil, or anything that requires a lorry big enough to block the drive just as they are trying to get away.


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