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How to be Insulting at Other People's Homes

Always make sure that you sit in the most comfortable chair in the room.

Never offer to do anything to help in the kitchen. If asked say that you're frightened of getting in the way, or of breaking something.

When your hostess is rushed off her feet. Tell her to sit down for a minute or two to relax. Say that you feel much better after your sit down.

Drink spirits whenever they are offered and never accept water with them.

Make sure that you watch the programme you want to see. Stay up after your hosts have gone to bed and do not get up until long after them.

Ask if you can have breakfast in bed, to make things easier in the morning!

Leave the toothpaste tube cap off and put it where the tube of shaving cream is normally kept.

Stay in the bathroom for an hour when everyone else is trying to get ready to go off to work, or to go out.

Offer to cook one evening. Take ages and produce a disaster.

Imply that your hostess's cooking isn't up to much. Offer to take them out for a meal and go to a seedy Indian restaurant or a glorified fish and chip shop.

Clip your toe nails in the bath and leave the clippings for someone else to clean up or preferably sit on.

Take your own supply of lavatory paper and put the roll alongside the one provided, for good measure.

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