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How to be Insulting on Planes

Always force your way to the front and take the best seat.

When the proverbial airline meal is served, tip the salad concoction into the 'little bag', without being seen, then make violent and disgusting reaching sounds into the bag, and finally start happily eating your salad out of the 'little bag'.

Ask the stewardess if you have to undo your safety belt when she tells you you may. Ask if you can put on your life-jacket 'just in case'.

Demand a sleeping pill or tranquillizer from the hostess before you take off.

Order more tins of beer than you can hope to drink and let these roll around your table and drop on to your neighbour's lap, ideally without the tabs on so that the beer spills everywhere.

If it is a short flight, spend the whole trip in the crash position as if you are expecting disaster at any minute.

If you are sitting in an aisle seat, stick out your legs and pretend to fall asleep, so that people have to keep stepping over you.

Tip the hostess with a few pence when you leave.


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