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How to be Insulting in Pubs

Sit right in front of the fire, if there is one, and keep the heat from everyone else.

If a big thing is made about selling real ale, drink keg beer or bottled lager.

Have a game of darts and try to stick the darts into the wall or the floor, anywhere but the board. This is most effective when the pub has recently been decorated.

If there are new carpets on the floor try to spill as much beer and cigarette ash as you can. A table bumped into heavily can often achieve a devastating effect with one move.

If no one is playing the juke box, select the loudest and least tolerable record and request it as many times as your pocket can afford.

If you notice a tete a tete anywhere in the room, try to break it up, either by sitting next to the couple and eating crisps as loudly as you can, or if they are by the Space Invaders machine, play non-stop Space Invaders.

Order a dozen pints of beer on a crowded Saturday night just before closing time.

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