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How to be Insulting on the Road

Try driving at 25 m.p.h. in a 30 m.p.h. limit with your headlights on in broad daylight.

On motorways refuse to be moved from the central lane and stick at a steady 40 m.p.h. whenever there is a faster car trying to overtake. Then just as it is starting to pull past, accelerate until it has to drop behind again. Continue this cat and mouse game until one of you gets tired.

Drive alongside foreign cars on dual-carriageways, or motor-ways and make rude gestures at the driver in keeping with the nationality of his or her car.

Make no allowance for cyclists and pedestrians in wet weather. Drive past them at normal speed and try to time your passing with a nice big puddle.

At busy zebra crossings try to obey the law and refrain from moving forward while anyone has their feet on the crossing. As soon as the pedestrians get the idea that you aren't suddenly going to run them down, they'll keep swarming over and you'll build up a huge tail of traffic.

If there's a very speedy driver on your tail, stall at the next set of lights, when they go green. Better still, try to let the engine die completely and get out to push the car to safety. If the driver's very close he or she will get boxed in and won't be able to move until everyone else has got by.

Again, if you find someone driving right on your tail, try varying your speed but always speed up when they are trying to get past.


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