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How to be Insulting in Supermarkets

Try to cram as much into a basket as you can and then go to the fast check-out for people with only one basket. (The more small things you can fit in the better.)

Insist on paying by cheque for very small purchases, particularly if there are a lot of people queuing behind you. Then lose your cheque card and hunt through all your pockets before finding it stuck in the back of your cheque-book.

Try and box in those bossy, efficient women, who seem to rush round doing their shopping in half the time it takes the rest of us. Wedge something under the wheels of their trolleys, or force them into a corner and then jump the check-out queue in front of them.

When there are only a few cardboard boxes left. Choose the biggest one and put your few tins of beans and carton of yoghurt inside, leaving everyone else to struggle with plastic bags that lacerate their hands and gradually stretch and rip.

Stand in front of the automatic exit doors so that anyone trying to come past, laden down with shopping, has to struggle past and force their way through a narrow gap.

Push the trolley all the way to the car park but don't push it back again. Push it to the other supermarket instead.


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