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How to be Insulting in Theatres and Cinemas

Always try to arrive five minutes after the show has sta'rted. Arrange to sit in the middle of a row and so make as many people stand to let you in as you can.

Women can try wearing hats in theatres to block the view for anyone sitting behind.

Noisy wrappings on sweets can be unwrapped at moments of tension when the rest of the theatre is silent.

Try to find out when the first act ends and get up from your seat about a minute before that time. This will get you to the bar first and it will also ruin the final moments of the scene for anyone near you.

If the person sitting in front of you is blocking your view try adopting an irritating cough, or kicking your feet under their seat. Nasty, wet sneezes down the back of their neck are also effective in persuading them to look elsewhere for a seat.

Keep lighting your cigarette lighter or striking a match to look at the programme. Alternatively, if you're in the cinema try to find a place where no one else is smoking and light up in the middle of them.

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