From the TV Series Red Dwarf
Episode - DNA
Cat: Me? What's wrong with me?
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
Cat: You've just listed all my best features.
Kryten: (VO, dist.) We've found something, sir.
Kryten: (VO, dist.) I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
Lister: Is he all right?
Kryten: (VO, dist.) I believe he's just discovered what shirt-tails are for.
Rimmer: (VO, dist.) Alright, Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.
Kryten: (VO, dist.) So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
Rimmer: (To chicken) Listy... buck buck buck buck buck buck buck. (To the others) It's incredible. It really is him. Look, it's even got his little beer-gut.
Kryten: My heavens. I am human.
Cat: Yeah, but you've lost your looks!
Cat: Ah, that's awful, man. When a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.
Lister: It just made me think that a lot of the time, being human isn't much fun!
Rimmer: So, Lister, what are you telling us? You're a closet squirrel? Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself "Nutkin?"
Kryten: Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions. One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable. What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangeroos in the mating season.
Lister: Holly, I'm only going to ask you this the once, and I want the truth: can you make this machine work without any mistakes?
Holly: Yeah. I know what I did wrong last time. It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could've made. Look, I can do it. Give me a chance.
Lister: Look, Holly, that computer's virtually indestructible. There's only one way to beat it. (He sighs, then shrugs, resigned.) Turn me into a super-human. Man plus.
Rimmer: Are you totally insane? You're going to let that fruit-bat of a computer diddle with your DNA?
Lister: You got a better plan?
Rimmer: Maybe some Indian restaurant music will mollify it. Or perhaps we can make a surrender flag out of flock wallpaper?
Back to main Red Dwarf Index | Next Episode