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Vengeful Insults

On the music critic of the Washington Post, following his notice of Margaret Truman's singing:

'Mr. Paul Hume: I've read your review of my daughter Margaret's concert last night and I've come to the conclusion that you're an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job. And after reading such poppycock, it's obvious that you're off the beam and that at least four of your ulcers are working overtime. I hope to meet you and when I do, you're going to need a new nose, plenty of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below.' — Harry S. Truman

I wouldn't go out with her anyway. She looks like a professional blind date.

'Don't you think your dress is a little too young for you, dear?' a friend asked Dorothy Parker.

'Do you think so, dear?' Mrs. Parker replied. 'I think yours suits you perfectly, it always has.'

The only thing that's ever taken her in is a girdle.

When Whistler's pet poodle developed a throat infection the artist wasted no time in calling the top ear, nose and throat specialist in the country, Sir Morell Mackenzie. The eminent doctor hurried round to the house of the famous painter, but he was far from enthusiastic when he saw his patient. However, he examined the dog, wrote a prescription and pocketed a large fee. The following day Whistler received an urgent message from Mackenzie asking him to visit him right away. Thinking that there might be complications in the dog's condition Whistler left immediately. But, when he was shown into Mackenzie's consulting room, the doctor welcomed him saying:

'How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my front door painted.'

He was my ideal before we got married. Now he's my ordeal.

On constancy:

The cruellest revenge of a woman is to stay faithful to a man.' — Jacques Bossuet

I think my absence made her heart go wander.

'If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee,' Lady Astor told Sir Winston Churchill during one of the many rows they had.

'If you were my wife, I'd drink it,' he told her.

He's always happy to share his friends' lots—providing they are the biggest available.

Asked about a deceased friend, the Rev. Sydney Smith remarked:

'His was the sort of career which would make the recording Angel think seriously about taking up shorthand.'


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