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On American sports commentator, Howard Cosell:

'In the next issue of Cosmopolitan, Howard Cosell will be the centrefold with his vital organ covered his mouth.' Burt Reynolds, former Cosmopolitan centrefold.

In his opinion, love is just a passing fanny.

Asked what she thought of a fellow actress, Sarah Bernhardt replied:

'She's a great actress from the waist down.'

When I asked if she was free that evening I didn't expect her to reply: 'No, but I'm reasonable.'

On Lord Hailsham, after his censure of John Profumo:

'From Lord Hailsham we have heard a virtuoso performance in the art of kicking a fallen friend in the guts . . . When self-indulgence has reduced a man to the shape of Lord Hailsham, sexual continence involves no more than a sense of the ridiculous.'

That girl's been in more laps than a table napkin.

When the tuba player in an orchestra he was rehearsing committed the double sin of playing the wrong note and giving it a deep shake. Sir Thomas Beecham stopped conducting and said to the man:

'Thank you, and now would you pull the chain.'

Watching her at a disco is seeing the vertical expression of a horizontal idea.

When Dorothy Parker was told that a friend had broken a leg while on a visit to London, she commented that she'd probably done it:

'Sliding down a barrister.'

If you're not careful you'll find that he turns out to be the time of your wife.

On Algernon Swinburne:

'. . . a man standing up .to his neck in a cesspool, and adding to its contents.'

Every time she's taken out she takes him in.


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